habag at alat

when i was in high school i wrote a poem that got published in our school organ with the title "ulan". anybody would guess that it  was a melodramatic piece, something about a  young lady taking a peek from a window, watching the raindrops or the dark clouds hanging somewhere, picture- beauty, and how she got awed in the whole sequence of nature's wonders. but it wasn't like that, not even close to it. it was about me praying mindlessly for the rain to pour out, big time, and waiting for, back then DECS to announce the suspension of classes. i was not expecting that my journalism teacher  would agree  to have it printed along with my essay about eminem and andrew e. i was an evil and all i cared was to see on  TV the magical report about "no class today, all levels in metro manila". but i remember there was a realization at the end of my poem, and the conclusion of my drama was that i knew and all aware that my simple wish of gigantic rains would equal to destruction, lives lost. it was around 2000,when i wrote that poem and i used to think that same year was the end of the world. and looking back, nothing has changed. rain will come and go every year and will leave us gripping for our lives. three presidents... i don't know but rainwater and politics must be synonymous that the failure of one is failure of the other, sad to say, during rainy season, we are all sinking and gasping for our breath-- i know there are many of things that encompass the entire issue of flood, disaster control or lack of those ,and sad to say, during rainy season, things are always uncontrollable. moving on, i would not make sense if i still continue to write about politics, since i have not even experienced to cast any vote during past elections though i tried but lots of things prevented me to participate and exercise the fundamental of democracy. it's very obvious that i'm trying hard to be politically correct.

i appreciate the normalcy inside our home despite the heavy rain outside. i sent messages to my friends last sunday, to enjoy the day because it was sun day in spite of drizzle. a friend messaged back with a comment that i should not abhor the shower but to appreciate both shine and water. i replied back that it was a figure of speech. not sure if my friend would still be glad with the ongoing heavy rainfall. this is no more a kind of metaphor but what is happening is raw and what we deem to be real. we are being washed away and being cleansed of some sort, either physically or mentally as we reflect with how we stay afloat after all these events or maybe we don’t really ponder at all so long as we are not directly affected. how i must end this piece of non sense? should i include a prayer or some bible verses? put some words of hope? or close with an inspirational quotation? or to kill this text with  some facts of horrible deaths flashing on the news? lots of ways to end the misery, or some recurring day and nightmares – but most of the time, we just let things get drowned and wait for the sun to show up and dry our souls and spirits and bring back the light that keeps us alive.

one regular day in the cafeteria

i feel sick reading the compensation and benefits materials while hearing rihanna's umbrella,sitting sloppily in front of a co trainee whose name i forgot.maybe later everything will come back to me,that i am stuck in a job that i feel unloved.

over and over

i am caught in the middle

this is no longer just a matter of time and tears

my hamster died and i'm about to buy new pair

and make sure that i'm not going to use cedar beddings

i have one hundred and twenty three pesos in my wallet

and i have three nights of moneywork and i'm done

i'll get my social loan and get things going

i'm not going to die thinking and imagining

i'll make all things happen

i've been sleeping and daynightdreaming

i've been listening to some feel good songs and

actually made two  playlists

today i'm going to scratch those out

i'm not going to wait and let life pass out on me

this is my year,2012 is not the end just like how aztec had calculated or predicted it

tonight,i'll go to work and do my work

but make sure i'll spare my soul and heart to write and do my passion

read what i love and talk with a friend

and spend all my money and treat my family

meet somebody who is nice

plant a tree and ride a plane

endless of good stuff to do

time is irrelevant

and that’s why i now have to end this poem

verses in the metro

im looking forward but i am seeing the past behind

the reflection of yesteryears running fast forward

i am awake in my sleep and

my heart is thinking and

 my mind is beating so fast

i have to let go of my dreams

and i must live what is said to be real

im no longer happy.

Because of viral sickness and low level of my red cells

one day i was sick and was not able to go to work,but i had to submit some homeworks related to a training i've been going to for the last three weeks.i had asked some friends to submit my work or forward some emails to my home  inbox so i could work on with my other assignments while at home since i felt better the next day;  friends I asked for favors  expressed different reasons of unreadiness and unwillingness,some did not even bother replying or simply just mentioned that others could do it  and some managed to deviate from routine their and helped me

less on: don't expect  friends or non friends would readily manage your shit,regardless if you have been doing helping them with theirs 

so same time around when  i was sick and i had to go to the nearest clinic in our area,though there was this part of me who didn't want  to because i was very confident that otc cheap paracetamol could combat my fever but I had to secure some medical records to glamorize my sickness and to present it to my boss the next day.the nurse called my name and i had not yet taken a seat when the doctor threw to me his set of medical educated questions and in less than a minute,as soon as i sat down he was writing down his diagnosis and recommendations.i  didn't expect that a doctor would be empathetic to me,but somehow it was fast that i realized he didn't even said hello to me or i to him.

some old stuff

on my way back home from tondo  9.22.2010 4:08AM?

a bit i'm feeling lost and partly i'm sad,but happiness wanders somewhere in me and there is this peace that journeys through me...all these ironies make me ,complicated, more than,how my blood runs through every vein,that fuels my heart,onto my brain..thus making me alive.. 

****

9.3.2010 3:44AM?

Jeepney Rides

usually on my jeepney rides, i either sleep or be awake and let my thoughts move in and out, all, whatever direction unlike the jeep i'm on, it only moves on one route and may run fast or slow, but my mind runs as fast as it could get and slowly savor a particular thought till it reaches a conclusion that is either an answer or it'll remain a question that'll continue to linger and to visit my unsettling ,ever awake conscious mind, which i try to control to save me from misery, paranoia, and psyche imbalance, disorders that i know i already have but not yet confirmed  since i haven't sought help of a psychiatrist or any mind-doctors and got no plans now or in the future unless i'd verified my health plan covers the mind tests

back with my thoughts, everyday i get to evaluate my life, sitting alone usually at the far corner of the commoners  wheeler, my favorite spot because i can lean half of my body on the corner edges which a single lady like me would usually does ,very fortunate that there is no other living person beside me whom i can lean on..during my self assesment either i get to sleep and forget the world and wake back and realize i'm alive and the jeep is heading on to a known place called home.

and the world i am in is ever complicated in its simplicity; simple and plain because at 24 i'm single and has not been in a relationship; compflicated because at 24 i'm single and has not been in a relationship. many times i've written pointless, trying-hard-sensible pieces about  (my)singlehood and most of them  i tried not to appear that those were written by a not so desperate maiden, just a bit…but not so..

 ****

9/6/2010 4:00AM ?

Factsheet

I want to go down deep at mariana trench..

I had blasphemed and sworn, most of the times I had kept them on my mind and never got off my mouth

I want to ride in a blimp for no reason

I read somewhere that the average day is actually 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4.09 seconds, and I don't know if that is worth remembering

I want to forget the world and be like a snail which can sleep three years straight

I pick my nose mindlessly in our house, as if I have rhinotillexomania, yet outside I am bound to rules and etiquette

I have two credit cards, just like an average American has, I am no American nor I am less than average, I am simply a struggling Filipino who keeps on chasing her material desires

I recognize how important to save water because there are those who have to walk three hours to fetch water, and it’s not a strange thing to me, I’ve got to experience fetching, pumping water out the ground when I was in Tondo

I want to go to space, and discover something to myself that land won't make me to uncover, like how a frog discovers itself throwing up in space

I was born with all care and made me feel that life is as gentle as mother's hug ,now I am thinking would my life have become different if I got out of  my mother's womb and got kicked several times just like a giraffe?

sigrid storm

   remember lulu?

a birthday letter