sag.a

.......................
08.28.09
its friday,yet i feel so weary,so low and so and so and so..
staring blankly on my pc...
i woke up, with a big bang
i dunno if this is just part of the chemical cycle of my material body or an emotional blackhole in my own universe...i can no longer differentiate happiness from sadness... and i am not going to attempt to dig into the unknown...i have fully accepted that life has its secrets....
******
08.31.09..monday..the day after sunday..
i messaged my friend asking for a piece of advice,that is because i am so weary of my feeling as i always scrutinize my actions,my thoughts and the totality of my being...i have started attending my college friends bible study every sunday aside from hearing the mass/service of their christian group..it got me into a web of self-realization that being a christian is a process, a tedious one and more complex than i have ever imagined, as opposed to my carefree, simpleton,common approach of doing good,being good, in between mistakes or errors and doing things to correct those...a simple formula that i thought is my gatepass to heaven,although the idea of heaven does not excite me at all...so perfect, so flawless and so,i am not into it ....

i maybe living a dual life, because i am seeking a balance, between material and immaterial,mortality and immortality,body and soul,i want those analogy to coincide,and a result is one full madness of euphoria and nostalgia,hellishy and heavenly thing called life....

one day,when everything is done, if i'll look back and remember this age of my so-called life...this pace in my life my early twentish..i maybe laughing at this,because my insanity has blown fully...
i won't say i'm overworked or overfatigued or overstressed...im just overbored...
and overseeing that my life would be be over..

**********************

tuesday
09.01.09
when was the last time you thought thoroughly of the good things that life has given to you?
every day, or should i say every night, as soon as i open my eyes
the very first thing that comes to my mind is the ennui of the next hours of my life..but still no matter how tragic (i think) i am ,i still manage to get up, go to the bathroom,do my thing and wash away my fears,sadness a bit ....i'll step out of our door, and next thing i knew i'm at work, then i'll realize this is my life, the life i chose or destined to me... its partly unknown to me and partly my choice...whatever it is... it is what it is...

****************************

wednesday
09.02.09
i have not logged into my journal of happiness, there are times you can't find happiness in your every day even it is already right in front of you.simply because black can overshadow white,but white can't do it over black...
no matter how you try to turn things around,life will lead you back over on the heartaches,sadness and their equivalent..
you ignore it or face it, most likely you just ignore it,sleep with it, then when you wake up your still have it...
if you face it,its a better move,confront it, fight with it,compromise, settle it,
then results may be bad or good....its a risk that you have to take, you can escape for a while but not forever..
other would say let it be, free yourself and let go...i dunno what they are trying to say..
there is no right or wrong if you choose one option over the other..what most important is you are the one who decide, not others...
and i feel like i am again talking to myself.....

**********************
wednesday part 2...
i laughed when my nanay told me i don't love my friends here in my current job as much i love and adore my friends back in my former company....
it was an unsolicited opinion, and i respect her but still i couldn't help myself to be annoyed ...i couldn't explain why the remark hit me...was she telling the truth that i am just in denial...hell no...
there is no point of comparison as i always say... i love my job back then... i so love it that i spent most of my waking hours in the office and did not realize that my work was running my life...and ofcourse oh boy..i love the people around me..they are all adorable...

now , it's a different story ...
i have a love and hate relationship with my job...at times i hate it, and at times i love it..
and still figuring out it this is real love or the opposite...but these feeling are just rooted inside me, because, i still manage and control whatever feelings i have and appear looks like everything is ok on the outside...
no doubt, i enjoy the company of friends and though there are times i don't, and those are not biggie.....and they are not the reason why i will leave the job but i'd say they are one of the gigantic reasons why i stay,.......why am i so affected with my nanay's comments?...
**********************
091526404
B92451646583457
4:48 AM
b4155 $752 YM
b4160

******************

thursday
09.03.09
one more day to go.and i'll be outta here..feels like heaven again... my life is not that big mess but my mind is,and my life is my mind and so my mind is my life that makes my life a big mess because my mind is...
moe has found the couraged,she messaged me saying that she has finally found and heard God's words...and i was like..wait, am i deaf, blind , GOD has not yet said a word to me nor has given me any sign on the thing that i should and must see...

and now i am feeling tired and sleepy and all that and cocoa has no effect to me at all....
oh my, i am doing less tasks today or for the past two days...and i dunno why i'm feeling this way...there is omething wrong really..it maybe too much or too less or a mix of both --all three annoy me and i don't know where to go and what to feel... as if i have a choice what to feel and where to go..i may have a choice but that is a choice..i may choose or not to have it...

life is simple, a lot of people have figured out the hows and the whys that life is such...and others see it is a complex..and they are the ones who are still finding their way out from the web......
mine is simply complex

**************************

friday
09.05.09

how i adore this day!!!
thank you lord
i survived the five-day b-dome
i got to meet and be acquainted with my group mates
i got to hug and kiss matthugh
i am so grateful also, that despite my laziness and unlovable tricks, i still feel the love and hoping also i am an instrument also to show GOD's love...
i have a family that unconditionally,endlessly,unwaveringly,loving me despite the fact that i am so stubborn...

friends who love and hate me but in the end love me ...

a world that is beautiful and ugly at the same time..but i can't help myself not to fall in love with it...i alwas say perfection does not sound inviting to me and so heaven..but ofcourse if everyone else especially my loved ones will be there i'd love to be there too..
postscript1***

there are times you just choose to be silent, shut-up-don't-say-a-word ,when a friend or a family member or someone who is so dear feels like she/he shoulders a cross..not because you have nothing to say or maybe there is really none, but most of the time you choose not to,waiting for that someone to say a word to you and open up and seek for a sign that she/he needs or wants you..your piece of advice,even just a word may it not be a preach or sermon of some sorts...because like her/him you have experienced to be fallen and there are times that you just need nothing but silence....i don't know...as much as i would like to say a word or two i'd rather keep silent...first...but just like water bound to flow out of the big sea, i'll let it out later...simply to let her/him know i care.....because silence is different from the one that is spoken from the heart..

postscript2****
death....there are things that you cannot explain and so much more that you can understand....
i am alive ...what the heck..am i so worried about death???

******************************
tuesday
09.08.09

was happy.period.don't want to analyze it.
***************************
wednesday
09.09.09
i am in the middle of nowhere.between happiness and sadness.love and hate.up and down.above and below.good and bad.
****************
thrusday 09.10.09
so busy.so stressed.so not into this....

friday 09.11.09
so looking forward for changes.progress.weekend.
so thankful bcoz i am blessed with love.hopes.dreams....
******************
09.21.09

if there is SOMEONE
***********************

unknown date and time
the end...
this is final..i am going to quit... i just realize i've had enough...so much..its o.v.e.r.....

i'll pass my resignation on monday...

************************
01.10.2009

what will i do next?
where will i go?
who will i become for the coming days?
what are my plans?
what are the things i must do?
should i take the risk? and do all the things ,those i know in my deepest heart, are not to my liking,far from my taste or in other words not me...
should i follow my heart over my mind? or the other way around?
is there difference?
should i listen to my family's pieces of advice?my friends'?or myself?
should i go or let go?
should i wait?
should i ignore and continue without asking?
should i keep on asking and keep on searching?
should i let myself be gone in the wind ? be traversed in the flow?

it is the start of the month...

********************************************************

14.10.2009

i am all good and fine.
and i am

***********************

18.11.2009

got three days, and alas, i survived this nightmare, it really was.god knows how many tearful afternoons i had with Him, to open up and to cry my heart out..i was broken,insecured and was ready to give up, .......

to be continued.........

...........................

23.18.2009
final written ....
call me a quitter, a failure and its likes;im totally ok with

it, i won't disagree nor argue nor be bitter about it..yes i

am....i'm happy to sit down and discuss everything you wish to

know...the story of the so-called quitter..

quitter, that's me!....i'm struggling just like everyone,and

trying just like everyone...just like everyone,i do get tired,

and so just like with everyone, there is this place called

"maximum", "limit",and "peak", i've been  there many times but

i just ignored it, i passed the place over and over but i

thought i'll get over it, i just continue going round in

circles, and  suddenly i just realize why do i have to

continue if there is this called exit....

the exit is just around the corner, it has been tempting me

since day one, like that of  thin line between sanity and

insanity is just a strand of hair...which it could easily

break....

break, i so need it,its not about the quantity of days or

weeks of not doing anything or be away from office or being unproductive that i need
but, a break, that even it will only last for an hour, for a

minute or even just  a whole day, of being free...i

dunno,maybe its only me,i,myself who would understand it,

unless your are me and me is you,you'll know what i am talking

about...

about my decision,i'm happy, if happiness means crying and

laughing at the same time, its my own definition... any

sadness??,if one may ask, i would like to think there is this

certain sadness because of my friends and all that and mushy

reasons and all and all and so and so... but hell there is

none, i don't want to put drama and say " i feel sorry and sad

because..."..when i can't find any,,,,none at all..as in

zero....
zero,im back to square one, of replanning, reordering,

reorganizing, rebirth...... i am positive.period.thank you

lord.
lord,thank you for sticking with me, though i didn't know

where were you in all those times...that you were working

silently and  was giving me all those blessings,that i thought

i have worked all alone, by myself and so i was  so proud of

it..God,that despite all your efforts of making,loving,and

supporting me, and me being stubborn and all, having lots of

questions, seeking,finding, choosing to be lost...you did not

give up on me,

*****
tidbits:
i maybe just tired and that's why my sensitivity is all the

way up...
i want to get angry and get upset, but there is this side of

me telling i should not, simply its not good, its not right.
then i'll find myself in tears,that the anger that myself

could not let out form into water, called tears, so calm, so

serene,it does wash away my emotion,somehow,but not

everything;usually after i cry,i still want to scream at the

top of my lung because i am still angry, not that i'm just

being sensitive but i am hurt,i am in pain, and i want that

person to know that i am, loud and clear...

*****************
another tidbit:
 is there one thing u wish that u did not do,say or

whatevr-fill-in-the-blank thing that u wish  did not happen or

did not exist?simplfy, we  call it regret.

............................

postscript:

 after some  30plus mins, i am outta here...finally.

0 Comments - Add a Comment