sigrid storm

   remember lulu?

a birthday letter

a rocker down at the bottom

        i remember those days when i had nothing to eat and usually i had to experiment anything from soy sauce,vinegar,tomatoes or things that i could find in our fridge (a gigantic empty machine),those times when i had to fetch water from my lola's house,those seconds that i got no balloons on my birthday,those minutes when i was roaming around in the streets of tondo to find a pc rental shop in the middle of the night to get my school works done or sleep at my classmates house who generously  let me used her pc,those hours before my college graduation that i was calling my mom to help me pay my school expenses or else i wouldn't get my diploma,those moments when i was just waiting for my aunt's packages for new shoes,those images of me getting some odd jobs to get things going,the very day that my father died and his coffin cost tons of thousands and nothing i could do to help..

        i feel old and used but wise...life has been throwing a lot of stones and rocks to me since i have realized my dreams...i got bruised and managed to lick my own wounds,and a lot of times i quit and fell almost dead,and decided not to rise but to lay momentarily and to lay my eyes to the sky and let the sun touch my face and the wind breeze through my inside,to sway away all my blues and so when i feel like ready to stand up,i'll feel light,let my pains,hurts,regrets fly away in all directions...and i,will be in one direction of peace and simple joy.

feeling red

there are times when you feel like your life is not making any sense

when out of the blue you'll cry and then laugh seconds later

when all you can do is lay on your bed and stare up at your ceiling

when you  check your phone to browse the old messages or check some old pictures on it

when you check yourself on the mirror, either admire the beauty or abhor the flaw that you see

when you can't sleep no matter how many attempts you make to forget the world

when you stroll in the mall and you have tons of money to buy things but all you can do is take glimpses around because you just can't spend or else

when you wake up and realize that nothing change

when you think that you are  a failure and feeling hopeless to turn things around

when you wish you are somebody else

when you choose to be alone and eat alone and go to the washroom or to the locker room when no one is around

when you feel like you are dying

or when you feel like anytime you are ready to die, anyway you can't comprehend what exactly is going on with your life and you get tired of unveiling its secrets

when you do things just for the sake of doing and accomplishing, not out of passion as if your are left with no choice

when you drown yourself in the sea of beer or vodka and make yourself believe that you are just having fun

when you feel like you are running out of time

when every song you listen to feels out of tune ,and even the sound that pleases you, bores you for no apparent reason

when you think of vanishing out of nowhere

when you wish to start your life all over

when you wish to go somewhere else and have new beginnings or end things

when you think you are going crazy and think its normal

when you start looking for another job or start thinking of a business, but everything is on your mind, nothing translates into action...

when you can't finish a book and you start read  another one then go to the other and the other,

when your birthday or the usual celebration of it does excite you no more

when you no longer care to pray

when all you do  is ask and never seem to get any answer

when you are doing nothing but getting tired out of it

when you you’ve got no one to talk with  or you just avoid talking with anyone

and then you decide to get your pen and write your thoughts out because you just want to remove all non sense things out of your soul….

or if you are not much of a poet or a writer you’ll find ways to do things to save yourself from insanity, and make yourself believe that things are normal and ok

on my way to galeria

violet and pink fingernails

a little moneyless

but the sky is kind

and keeps me alive

with a twist of chico and del

i found myself in love with life

thoughts of him

a ghost

a shadow

got a problematic looking woman on my right

maybe i got tons of junks than her

yet my faith is firing up

despite the rain and darkness around

sweet couple in front of me

thoughts of him again

bitter

sweet

ate two brownies

felt sweeter,better

A guelph kid is someone....

who hates sigrid sometimes but loves her most of the time or has learned to love sigrid because she/he has no choice because when you say guelph its synonymous to sigrid..
or who loves sigrid truthfully,all the time,no matter what,rain or shine, unconditionally...despite the love and hate relationship
who is being loved,taken care of by sigrid
who knows that sigrid has secrets on top of her head....
who knows that sigrid is a multisexual trapped in the woman's body
who knows who is peggy,or isa or cole or ate cathy or irene
who knows ate may or ellaine
who knows highway 54
who is aware what one for the road means

who loves auxes 3 and 5,but loves aux 3 more
who takes aux 6/1 and takes aux 2 next
who hates auto in,and the beginnings of summer or winter in ontario
who defers her timed auxes intentionally or if he/she says it isnt intentional most of the time he/she is telling lies
who loves the window pane be covered and so to avoid glass reflection of his/her pc's activities to be seen by the ITs,al or guards
who loves to sit at the most cornered,never seen,far flung,non noticeable,away from cam,secretive spot on the floor
who already has gotten IRs,SUSPENSION NOTICES and the likes
who looks forward to render the suspension days just like he/she looks forward on her VL days
who loves to sleep but hates to do it at the comfort of his/her home so he/she does it at the very uncomfy spot of her/his station

who has thought of quitting the job but doesnt push through on it,if he/she pushes through that is due to indecisiveness and most likely he/she is left with no choice but to go,or pride,whatever it is, it takes time for him/her to let go and go




who has created resignation letter but decided not to pass it yet or he/she retracted it as soon she/he submitted it
who loves taking pictures,to be on the pictures or choose not to take the camera to take the shots because she/he wants to be included on the pictures,that's all..in other words he/she has a tendency to be narcissistic
who is beautiful/handsome,or he/she thinks he/she is because her/his team captain loves to think that way too...again another narcissistic streak....
who knows the latest gossips but knows how to keep them and pretends innocent

who loves to bring food and bring them at his/her station and will share to her team mates
who pretends unaware or not knowledgeable about the account's updates for him/her to attend trainings repetitively or would request aux 3 for huddles and pretend that he/she is in need of uptraining or refresher
who has formed some kind of diseases or sicknesses or has some kind of diseases or sicknesses in her/his stay in the account
who loves name calling or has pet names or has secrets aliases given to other people on the floor belonging to other teams,especially if he/she doesnt like them
who thinks he/she is kind but appears to be otherwise or vice versa...
who loves to laugh and make fun of sigrid
or who loves to make fun of her/his team mates
who dresses to kill most of the time just like her/his team captain
who has bonnet or scarf or had worn some kind of weird accessories or clothes for no reason..
who doesn't care of METRICS to meet unless her/his tc tells her to ...
who knows nothing about target scores of each metric or if she/he happens to know them maybe she/he had a one-on-one coaching session with sigrid and had her/him signed some papers because she/he failed those metrics
who loves to sing and has good vocals or thinks she/he has good vocals and so she/he loves to sing her/his heart out in videoke sessions
who had borrowed money from her/his tc under certain circumstances
whose station is a clutter or got personalized and who gets sad or hates if someone occupies it when at the time she/he needs to use it
who knows what jogstorm is
who loves to eat,drink and enjoy
who when she hates his/her shift gets angry with sigrid and accuses her that she is not doing her job and poor sigrid, she will do all things in her power to correct the situation even though there is nothing to correct and there is nothing wrong at all
who puts the call on hold and goes to the washroom
or who puts the call on hold and chitchats with her seatmates or does nonsense non work related things
who is stubborn,period.
or who is not stubborn but when she/he becomes a guelph kid her/his stubborness breaks out and maybe because her/his tc triggers it
who is so willing and sometimes offers to escalate his/her call to his/her tc
and who makes promises to customers that sigrid will give them a call as soon as she gets in
who knows sigrid's dance steps
who is now part of the after hours service group
or who has never thought and has abhorred to be part of after hours shift,but chose to be part of it to be with sigrid
who is not member of after hours service but now belongs to different team,due to his/her choice or absence of choice or its al's choice or sigrid's choice
who secretly wishes to be back with guelph or

who is now happy and loyal with her current team but no matter what, he/she feels that she is forever a guelph kid and does not secretly wishes to be part again of guelph
who no longer works in rhc but does not forget who sigrid is and what guelph storm is
who thinks b&m is not fun
who usually receives 'beso' and food from ate may
who knows who is the real leap year baby..
who has complicated love life or simply has complex life and conflicting personality
who makes things complicated when things are really simple
who is trying to make things simple because things are really not plain
who knows where guelph is located and knows that guelph storm is not a city in ontario
who loves adventures,period.

who in the name of new adventure would not report to work and would choose to be in another place having fun,because her tc does it too...
who is willing to stay afloat and be sleepless and be restless in the name of FUN
who knows,claims and lives guided by guelph storm's visions and missions which he/she knows do not really exist but pretends they do...

and as for the writer of this piece,she believes that, a guelph kid is someone who is not afraid to be human,even when the surroundings appear to be wild and ill natured...that he/she stays true to herself even others are not... Are you a guelph kid?What makes you one?

bryana faust

dear bryana faust,


yellow,sister!

training room,a beaver and a walrus

remember the first day when our paths crossed,we didn't click.we were and are (now and forever) totally opposites and so i could not figure out how we became something like "a spoon and a fork ", anyway i don't really (somehow,there were moments got me thinking,when you were mean to me 
Ü ) dig and question the how's and why's,like how and why there is this hell-of-a- bond between us, not like of mighty bond or james bond nor security bond,but more of like a bond of minds,souls, bodies (eew!), positivism, negativism,and lots of sensibilities and non sensitivities,i know you understand what i am trying to say,because you are one of those human beings who can or if not will still go out of his/her way to understand me, even i to myself can't..


going back,you had your own little pals then and i was on my own or i was on the other side of the fence,like you were saying i was with the geeks and you were with coolest peeps, and i was like Oh-K!, as i have always known that you have the narcissistic acts but at the same time you are unsecured beautiful freak.then suddenly after some months of being seat mates and you introduced me to liveleak,debra wilson,you made fun of me like i was bjork etc,and so we fell apart for quite some time as our careers prospered and so you were busy doing your own thing and again, i was put on the other side of the fence doing my own things.now when you look back at those times you vividly remember how weirdo i was,with the clothes i put on (come on bryana, as if you were a supermodel back in 2007).then,without our control our world collapsed and you decided to leave and i even gave you my boo doll ( that  precious $19 boo doll,she is the cutest and the fairest doll, where is she now bryana?argh!) and but i was the first one to kick out and waved my goodbye,and took our final shots of bff's pics.(i'm going to check my multiply site,to post our old pics)


moving on,for two years we lost touch,thanks to sms,we did manage to connect our lines and once in a while exchanged some hi's and hello's and some strange,short sharing of thoughts....and good thing i decided to keep a cellphone,remember?when i was not a fan of mobile& technology and for a year and so i had free-phone- hands.and so that was the shortest way how i could tell how we all started-------minus the drama,the chaos,the circles,the endings and beginnings (because if i would 
include them,it'll be an epic book).

our first meet after almost two years....

so what this letter is all about, i dunno,maybe i've nothing else to do and i remember  when you told me i haven't written a poem for you.and not because you don't inspire me to write but my tee a tee with you is always like a non written poetic art,you get that?its moving and flowing and it has its own verses and topics and climax and body and lessons.

you hate this picture,that's why i include this

so back late in  2009 we hit it off,we both attended a mass together and so we ate blizzard and asked me if i had facebook page (i told you i didn't,then milky created one for me like i was the last person on earth not to have it,and most of my profile pics would have you) and so we planned out of our new lives,we rose,we began and we got our lives back together and god added few kind souls to help us through,even we both know that god gets nothing from us because we are both stubborn and unkind but we know we are both work in progress;we are willing to undergo the process and we both wish that we go to heaven someday.



i always tell you,that your IQ is way better than mine but my EQ is wider (100% fact),you are good in facts and f.y.i's and all i can share would be mostly what i heard and saw.i snore but you snore harder/i love pesto and carbonara but you love them more and eat more;you think you can beat me on the badminton court or at the running field,think again;yes you  are the music know-it-all,and all i have on my playlist would be some indie-no namer artistes;you don't trust me when it comes to  time nor you just simply don't trust me when we have our planned dates because you know how fickle minded i am and so i hate you how you are so firm on your judgement and that even me (your bestest) you no longer even trust.we both love oprah,that's something.you saw me drunk and you never left,and i know i'll never see you drunk because you have a bad ass liver.your ex boyfriend always text me and i feel like i should not be meddling on your love life.i'm lazy checking my phone but mind you, when i'm in the mood of messaging your reply is just a single letter or two (K or OK!,hate you)you are the only opposite sex who has slept on my bed;you are a gossip and i am your fan in that department;you think you are a bitch because you feel good,but you know what,you are not, i know its all nothing but an act(bravo you always play it well!);you think i am a drama queen,i agree because my life is full of it and so thank you for being an active participant in my drama series.most of the time we disagree in  lots of things,but the fine line that makes our friendship knot tighter  despite wars,bombs and total contradictions, that's aretha's R.E.S.P.E.C.T.,that's one of our foundations.


to be continued....

Doing nothing,feels good

i love this time of the day,when all i can hear is the  ticking of the clock,the running of the fan,my own conflicting mind and lastly,my silencing heart...

i just ate few toasted sugary bread with peanuts and thinking that i'll have to drink two glasses of water next and take a bite of two-inch bar of chocolate.with all these simplicities that i am about to do and i've done ,i cannot deny the complications that i need to face after this,this morning does not differ with any other morning that passed on me,i am tired,sleepy yet i am surviving.

i am stuck,doing things i don't want to do and not doing what i want to,what i love to.

i am afraid,that everything that i do will eventually be lost somewhere someday

i am clueless,in which direction should i go to .....

Doing nothing,feels good

i feel like, am back being an infant,like i have all the right and time to just lay down on my bed,watch as how the ceiling looks down on me and if only it can only talk,it'll say,"i miss you my master, you  close your eyes as soon as you lay your back on your bed for some hours or so,you'll be dead sleep,and next thing is you'll be gone like a dead woman walking,because you are walking and you are like dead woman,no life,though suicide is least thing you'll ever do,but i know you're welcoming the thought,aren't you?but i need not to hear your answer,just sit back relax and do what you barely do,to fully rest your body,mind,heart and soul..and that is by simply doing nothing and thinking nothing as you scratch all your mind's content making a blank slate.later i know it will all be a clutter.cherish this moment.because i know you people,the most complicated living organisms,you all do a lot of things and most of them are i don't know what for,but i know i don't have to be a judge of human actions,because i am not a human anyway..  '..and so this dilapidated ceiling and so among other stuff in my littlest room are the witnesses of my everyday...they know how my tiredom and lacking of sleep,actually make me going and do not stop me from waking up everyday as i choose to live and do things,most of the time beyond what i am expected to do.

i'd like to check statistics on the www. to find out if how many of us who are  in  this quest of work holism or doing things of some sorts.but i guess,i don't need to check the numbers,the fact that every night and day on my jeepney trips,i always see that i'm just everyone else,everyone is sleeping,half awake or half conscious and heading to places where they are bound to do something outside their homes or heading back to their homes as they have already finished doing things.i don't want to use words such as trapped or stuck because doing things when you'll described them using the former words is something that i have to ponder more,because it's more complicated and it applies only to majority or some but not to everyone.i'd like only to write about doing nothing,like a  breakaway from things you actually do whether its a work that you like or not,or something that does not give you paycheck or extra cash,or call it job,commitment,responsibility,or what not,things that in order for you to accomplish you have to move around,think around,that require emotion and most of all you have to do because if you don't, expectations from yourself or from others will not be met,and there are consequences that we are avoiding,if that happens.

maximum laziness,everyone deserves it.

(for those who choose to have it  for a lifetime or for a long period of time if not for most of the time,i know there must be reasons why you are in that route.i'm not in that route,so i must then not talk about it.)

like you exempt yourself from doing productive or non productive things because both will only tire you down,no matter what the result is,and i must say both things will give us either happiness or sadness,and that's you choose not to do either,because you just want to free yourself from any of those.

like you make yourself a king and queen sitting on a throne or lying somewhere and you let others do things for you,because all you need to do is to eat,drink and enjoy the nothingness of the moment

like once in a while you

like you'll have courage or simply turn down invitations,favors and the likes without making white lies,and telling, to those who ask you,point blank the word 'no' and the true reasons why you are turning them down.

or if you'll not say the truth,you are entitled to lie,especially,when all your intention is to hurt no one.but make sure you'll not be caught in the act of doodling time or might as well say the truth.or you simply just don't care anymore if people could sense that you are not in the mood and lying,all you care is simply a piece of yourself,a peace of mind without pleasing anyone or anybody.

laziness or doing nothing comes in all packages.like how would you make time as lazy as it could possibly be,either you totally do nothing or lazily do lazy things,like sleeping,eating,watching,listening to what,most of the time you do it alone,do it in your house,or in someone's house or outdoor or do it with others who like you choose to make meaningful experience in something that are known to be meaningless.

lastly,like you feel you don't exist,and the world without you will be the same,always turning and twisting,where it only paves its way to do those who are moving and doing things.you just need little time to get your feet back on the ground,not like a dead man/woman walking,by all means be-all-present and participate actively in what we simply call life.

yet,i'm totally aware that this does not apply to everyone,though everyone deserves it,i understand those people who keep on doing things and do not welcome the thought of laziness but let's say they put in the context of the word 'rest'.

dying in the rain

love dies

life endssoul goes out
stars fall down
flame burns out
time freezes
heart crashes
sun turns

coldwater runs dry
sky cries out
thunder roars
soil cracks
world stops

yet life is better when its raining  
as darkness embraces my soul
as the coolness of air sweeps  inside meas the  droplets touch my flesh
as i go barefoot in the sea of water
as i close my eyes wishing sun would never comeback
as i look up in the sky and let the tiny falls hit my faceand try to catch them all in my hand
just like how i chase my dreams as i keep on running and jumping out to get a grip with a promise that i'll never let them go...once dreams surface on my hands...
.the breeze of the air in rainy days reminds me of God's warmthas the blessings keep on pouring and the love keeps on smashing into the soil and flow throughout the land...and so ...
love grows
life starts
soul is back in
stars are glued up
flame fires up
time goes on
heart is open
sun shines
water sweeps through
sky mirrors heaven
thunder laughs
soil smooths 

world spins

time and beauty

i  noticed  the bonsais i bought 5 months ago in baguio got bigger and fuller..they are perfect two..and sommer is shabbily beautiful despite her lack of pampering.. my sauna pad is all messed up (and so am i)...my nanay got all wrinkles and freckles all over her face.....all these are so common and normal in my everyday that i don't bother taking time exploring or simply just taking time looking....

when was the last time you looked up in the sky and paused and let your eyes wandered in its beauty?

or you took time to gaze upon your mom's or dad's face,or your sister's or brother's?

or was there a time when you fixed your eyes with a friend who was sharing her/his thoughts with you?

Or simply gave your steady look with your one and only even both of your lips are sealed?

Or could you still remember when you let yourself be all at present and be taken away by small wonders and simple times that life offers,when you think of nothing but participate in that specific activity of awe and beauty and love and amazement.....

most of the time,we are loaded of lots of thoughts that we can no longer appreciate those wonders...we are tired,problematic or just simply disinterested and we always think that we have the reasons to be because we are indeed are experiencing those feelings of melancholia and darkness that there is nothing fun and beautiful on earth...

during my non-ritual jogs (depends when i feel like to),i usually just let my mind see things,either i walk or run and all i see are the things on my mind and not let my eyes see things as they are or at the time present surrounding me;when i realized what i was doing,because i could see no faces,trees,or houses,plants all i could see were things inside my skull like workloads,my plans,my problems,the people who are not with me and lots of stuff that hinder me seeing things that my eyes do because my mind is all loaded up..i realized i always get tired easily,not because i am tired tired but my mind and soul are.....

loosen up,let go,have your own rebirth once in while, scratch all the unused and overused stuff,savor the moment...

mixtures of tiramisu

despite a lot of detours,obstacles and hurdles and run arounds
you get tired most of the time,quit,don't fight back,not even resist,you follow the flow
it offers...
like you don't have choice but to take it and live with it or else..you jump off the building, take a poison and hang yourself up;a lot of ways...

why i couldn't write a poem anymore?


for the past days and months, i have not written anything,all unfinished.my life is getting somewhere from nowhere,and i am everywhere and anywhere..my life is a poem,unfinished.


i am.a poem.


living in a box for more than four years


in the four corners of horizon,i see nothingness.



life is not a mercenary


everything seems to be perfect but still there is a little bit of haze somewhere that i cannot pin point where exactly.


i am healthy,i have a job,i have a loving family,supportive friends and i am alive to top it all,i am alive,i have dreams,and i believe god.

money moves me,makes me, satisfies me, assures me,leads me,shapes me,pleases me,excites me,lifts me up,.....yet money tears me,kills me,puts me down,drowns me,burns me...

i was brought to life
and everyday i'm losing my life
having no clues where i have been, what i have done,and what i am now,
and the future, nausea.

simple,life..humans,complicated.


i really have nothing to write but i don't know what else to do.
this morning makes me sick

monsterized

look at yourself
you look like a monster

tomorrow
if i would have the chance to wake up and live again
i've got no other plans but

to eat,drink and enjoy..



everything is a choice
you choose
to be happy and to be not
to be rich and to be not
to be good and to be not



but what if we
we monsterized
good heart
we choose to take it out
and put some thrash in


tomorrow
if i would have the chance to wake up and live again
i've got no other plans but

to eat,drink and enjoy..

feeling dizzy and crazy.


there are no other things
i could write over,other than what i feel and what i think..
usually,i'd start my writings with i...



i am totally over him
and i found myself in denial
controlling every bit and piece of my sanity not to think of him,desire him and worst, love him...

when love becomes worst?
it is love for him.
love that is so pure,
but
in vain,
a void,
unknown,
a no name,
a word not yet written nor spoken,
a lost time that when you play it back,it'll show white and blank slate,
a black sky where stars even the sun are invisible,

a love,that is


which i know will never be defined as it is
undefined because it is not shared, not moving,not flowing ..dull and stagnant



because love is useless when it is only a one way street
there should be two people working together,building the road and travelling the path..


...to be continued...

little poem after midnight

there are a lot of things going on,
the world changes in every closing and opening of our eyes
you see life turning into death... death coming back to life
in its various forms,seems to be incommunicable
life gives us a lot of things,most of the time we can barely take.....


dreams,are like the stars,you get to see them,feels like within your reach..but the truth they are bigger than your universe,that only a few could actually hold

cold and naked


many nights and days, i've been dreaming about you
its lust love,i guess, i'm not sure,i don't even care anymore
i know it's not right,as soon after,i always ask for god's forgiveness.i know he would not understand me,and sometimes
don't even care anymore,how god deems me,it does matter to me,but i just cannot help myself

4 days after feeling cold and naked


after hearing and feeling your happiness,the joy in your face.undeniably,you found yourself complete with someone else,and i found myself complete with the conclusion,that you are just a dream.


everyday


walking down the streets like i'm in a dream.i'm seeing things and hearing sounds yet they don't make sense.
like as if i am the only one who is making sense
and trying to make sense while the world doesn't care and doesn't even try.
i saw the moon up above and she is staring at me.
i could feel her loneliness,her luminance was not that bright...

the night is so young
and he is staring at me.
he might be wondering why am i still awake,silently caressing my face
following through every fiber it,that gives me shiver which i cannot explain.

he is not saying any word,
silently sitting beside me,i could feel the loneliness inside him,he might have all the darkness,but i like him more than the sunny daylight.

12:00

my soul

has this little light

glowing,beaming and inspiring me to live

I am wondering where that light is?

i am happy,sad,lost,found,up,down,alive,dead,victorious,loser,smart,stupid,poor,rich..and i am awake and i am sleepy .. 

love dies

life ends

soul goes out

stars fall down

flame burns out

time freezes

heart crashes

sun turns cold

water runs dry

sky cries out

thunder roars

soil cracks

non px

im torn and my pieces are in all different places

sitting

Waiting

On the left is the exit sign

there is a door but has a warning

Burn room

laughters and talks

goodbyes

Phonecalls

visitors

saviors in white

Receipts of life

Sterile area

Observe silence

Angels in white

Restricted area

purple code

Semi death

grasping for breath

Eyes close

Half awake

Time in the center of four corners

Death bed

miracles

Happiness

blessed

Out

Wide exit

no more turning

Hope no returning

living

Being

The sound of the siren

Echoes

Danger

Mama mary

Cold inside